Hello my pretties.
As my yearly gift to my readers, I am providing you with my meaningless takes on the Oscars as I thought of them during the show. Overall, the show was decent and I figure if you can Best Picture without dialogue, then anything is possible.
Anyway, here goes:
I wish I had Morgan Freeman’s voice, deeper than the Mariana Trench but more soothing than baby oil. I would never lose a case.
Most gay men and all straight women wish they were Billy Crystal in that hospital scene with George Clooney.
Speaking of George, how long until he dumps that blonde? I guess she hasn’t asked for a commitment yet.
If I told you two years ago that Jonah Hill would be up for an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor, you would have laughed in my face.
Great line, “millionaires presenting each other with golden statues”
Hey Forrest Gump, it’s called Grecian Formula, use it.
I want to be that seat filler but no blue tux please.
When did that guy from the Oak Ridge Boys become Rob Richardson?
Michelle Williams, next time you are at the salon, ask for more blonde dye, it isn’t blonde enough.
I guess I need to see Hugo, it is winning and I must follow a winner.
Jlo puts a younger Cam Diaz to shame. Mark Anthony was not worthy!!
Hey there’s Willow being interviewed, now that the little person quota has been met, I am happy.
Memo to Hillary Swank, Julia Roberts has nothing on your teeth.
Sandra Bullock can even make a harsh language like German sound sexy, suck it Jesse James.
BTW Sandra, nice fake pony tail.
Why is it whenever I see Christian Bale, I am glad I’m not homeless?
I always laugh at the losers in each category clapping for the winners when in reality they are thinking, “bitch that should be my Oscar”.
Octavia Spencer, now that you have an Oscar, you should be able to afford to fix the Michael Strahan gap in your front teeth!
Hey, major shoutout to Stiffler’s mom.
Sarah Palin looked great presenting with Bradley Cooper.
Rooney Mara, you clean up well.
Martin Scorcese is wearing the same glass frames he wore when he filmed the Godfather.
Yep, I gotta see Hugo, it is kicking ass!
Kermit the Frog still rules.
Ooops, gotta fast forward during Cirque de crap err Soleil.
Christopher Plummer and Max Van Sydow, did you bring your daughters to the Oscars? Oops sorry, they are your wives.
Robert Downey Jr is cool but damn your suit is way too tight.
I still say Mila Kunis got burned last year, she deserved an Oscar for that one scene in Black Swan. Every guy I know thought that was Oscar winning material right there.
Chris Rock once said a man is only as faithful as his possibilities, well with that haircut, your possibilities are now nil.
Puss and Kung Fu Panda should demand a recount or beat the crap out of Rango.
I wonder if Ben Stiller felt like Willow as he stood next to Emma Stone?
Caesar the Ape got screwed for the visual effects award.
Rob Legato admitted it was awesome to win, no way.
Nice slam by Billy against Mitt Romney re income tax.
Melissa Reo, your hair is so 80s, I guess if you keep the same style long enough, it comes back.
Jonah Hill’s date is old and married, good job Jonah, losing that weight really helped you pull her in.
I still see Christopher Plummer as the Duke of Wellington in the movie Waterloo when he was asked what are your battle plans he responded “to beat the French”.
The role of Santa Claus on December 25, 2012 will be played by Nick Nolte.
Penelope Cruz and Owen Wilson, Beauty and the Beast.
Angelina Jolie, love that pose. Translated it means “suck it Jenny”.
Mila Jovovich, open your eyes.
Length and girth skit by the bridesmaids, very subtle.
Looks like Catherine Zeta-Jones has nursed Michael Douglas back to health.
Meryl looks good even in her Tina Fey glasses.
Darth Vader has a great voice, I want it.
Stedmon Graham is still alive? Why hasn’t Oprah dumped his parasitical ass by now?
Liz Taylor was hot.
Natalie Portman, who did your hair, remind me never to book with him or her.
Angelina, damn those lips are red.
How can you win the Best Actor award without saying a word and when you are outshone by a dog?
Glenn Close, you have come so far since you killed that rabbit.
Rooney Mara, you should have gone girl with dragon tattoo on Meryl when she was announced as the winner.
Tom Cruise hasn’t aged since he cross examined Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, that’s it, I am signing up with Scientology tomorrow!
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